How to have a civil Thanksgiving
Worried about how to get through thorny topics today? Some of the leaders of the bridging movement are here to help you. The Fulcrum asked a number of them to share advice on how to keep temperatures down and the conversation civil. Here’s what they have to say:
James Coan, Braver Angels: “If people want a way to remember to have a conversation, I recommend they keep the mnemonic SVL in mind – pronounced just like ‘civil.’ Tell your stories (S), relate to the other person's values (V), and closely listen (L).” (Based on a Village Square talk.)
Pearce Godwin, Listen First Project: “Listen with curiosity. Speak from your own experience. Connect with respect. ... See the person across the table, not the position. Assume good intentions and extend grace. Prioritize your relationship over your differences.”
Liz Joyner, The Village Square: “We can ask open-hearted questions of the people we share a meal with — especially those who are most deeply different from us. Poet John O'Donohue: ‘I always think that the question is like a lantern. It illuminates new landscapes and new areas as it moves.’ And we can leave the conversation just a touch more wise for the asking.”
Debilyn Molineaux, The Fulcrum: “Commit to the relationship first. Political winds will frequently change but your friends and family remain a constant in our lives.”
Erik Olsen, Common Ground Committee: “The center of Thanksgiving is gratitude. Be grateful for friends and family who you know are good and caring people, without regard to political or cultural differences. Express your gratitude with love and tolerance.”
Christy Vines, Ideos Institute: “When trying to navigate divisive issues (or people), remember that one of the most powerful weapons in your arsenal is the question ‘Why?’ This tiny word can transform even the thorniest of conversations as it helps you unpack the motivation or story behind someone's opinion or perspective, instantly increasing your empathic intelligence and, perhaps surprisingly, upping your partner's critical thinking on the issue or topic. Pro tip: When executed from a place of real curiosity, this practice also tends to de-escalate emotional or tension-filled conversations.”
Jillian Youngblood, Civic Genius: "I think it's fine not to have a perfectly peaceful Thanksgiving! I love a raucous Thanksgiving! What you don't want is interactions that put up walls and destroy relationships. Try this: Commit yourself in advance to engaging with the relative who drives you craziest. Sit down ready to draw them out and really understand what they're telling you – even if it's nuts. Engage with good will. Then – and this is the harder part – continue doing that for the next few months. Stay in touch. Build enough trust that they'll hear you out in the same way. Let your defenses down enough that you can offer each other critique without it exploding. Then see what happens next year."
From the archive: How to get along at Thanksgiving
Last Thanksgiving, our co-publishers Debilyn Molineaux and David Nevins offered their ideas for a happy, peaceful Thanksgiving. And their words still ring true today.
In addition to some suggestions for friendly conversation, they shared this prayer:
Let us take a holiday from our troubles and just be family. For a few days this year, let us look for the best in each other. Let us love unconditionally because of our shared humanity. Let us be vulnerable and fragile as humans doing the best we can, during this extraordinary time of change. Amen.
Podcast: Talking with people you love, whose views you don’t
The holiday-themed episode of “Let’s Find Common Ground” explores the political differences between Brian and Clare Ashcraft – father and daughter from Ohio. He’s an engineer and a conservative. She is a liberal-leaning college student.
The hosts also speak with psychologist Tania Israel, author of “Beyond Your Bubble: How to Connect Across The Political Divide. Skills and Strategies That Work.” They share tips to minimize conflict and maximize cooperation with parents, family and friends.
