Skip to content
Search

Latest Stories

Top Stories

Ask Joe: To sweeten or stir the pot

Ask Joe: To sweeten or stir the pot

Hi Joe,

I’m noticing that it’s getting harder to be around my work colleagues. Not all of us share the same views and we will vote for different parties. Management did a good job to offer some good processing to make sure we weren’t being uncivil with each other. On the surface, we seem to be fine. But the tension is so high. The side comments are not pleasant. And I think it’s only going to get worse this coming year. Any suggestions?


Saccharine Sweet

Hey Saccharine,

Sorry to hear that it’s tense at work. With so many ways that life is wearing us down, I can imagine that your “chronically nice” work environment is draining. Our work colleagues should and could be a source of support and inspiration; I call this “creating a work culture of mutual empowerment.” But before you can step into a work environment that could be thriving, some very important healing and reconciliation needs to happen in order to restore balance to an unstable system.

It seems that it might not feel safe to have some good heart-centered dialogue with some of your co-workers about the issues that are causing tension. I’m hearing this more and more from others. And now, with the tragic events that are unfolding in the Middle East, everyone seems even more to be caught in a spiral of needing to take sides and proclaim judgments and condemnations.

It sounds like your you and your colleagues are stuck in one of the stagnating false polarities that I bring up in my book, Fierce Civility: the unconscious belief that “I am right, and if you have a different view, you must be wrong.” I believe that the assertion of “let’s agree to disagree” may seem like the “civil” thing to do, but look at how it is causing you and your colleagues stress and distress. It is holding you back from growth, collaboration, and creating safety and trust. In other words, every time you choose to agree to disagree, you are claiming that your need to be right is more important than the integrity and health of the relationship.

The “pivot” that I offer to break this stagnating, polarizing unconscious internal habit is to humbly and honestly ask yourself, “do I want to be right, or do I want to be effective?” Giving up the stubborn need to be right doesn’t mean that what you believe is not true, or that you have to believe what the other believes. It does, however, mean that you awaken in yourself your capacity to be curious, give the other the benefit of the doubt and recognize that it is absolutely impossible for you to know everything. If you can get this far, maybe you are ready todo some powerful, courageous and healing work for yourself and for those around you.

The process starts with activating deeper levels of non-judgmental critical thinking. It is also essential to recognize that, on some level, we have forgotten, or are frightened to remember, that the process of debating issues in a healthy way requires that something needs to be let goof in order to open to something new—and that includes viewpoints. Unfortunately, in our current reactive and volatile culture, we inadvertently believe that shifting one’s viewpoint means betraying ourselves in some existential way. On a deeper level, we now fuse our identities with what we believe; we have somehow forgotten that we have viewpoints, as opposed to being our viewpoints. Because of a lack of independent critical thinking, we have fallen into the rigid patterns of “identity politics” where we can no longer distinguish the individual from the issues.

If this is the case, then it makes sense why some of us will fight, sometimes with violence, to win or defend our viewpoints. Therefore, if someone asks us to question our beliefs, our fight-flight-freeze mechanism kicks in. Thinking that we are personally being attacked when someone expresses their opinions or beliefs, we close our hearts, shut down access to the reasoning part of our brain, and either fight for or defend our viewpoints and beliefs at all costs.

So, Saccharine, imagine how hard it has become to openly discuss challenging issues if we fuse our identity with our viewpoints. With this belief, we will automatically see anyone with differing views as a potential threat. And this is why it might not feel safe for you to initiate some truly open-hearted dialogue with your colleagues.

However, are there one or two you may be able to engage? Perhaps start with those colleagues whose viewpoints are closer to yours? Or maybe the insights I mention above might be enough for you to do your own internal inquiry which might activate in you more curiosity and compassion for those who hold different views. And this may soften (or sweeten?) the ways in which you treat others, which may, in turn, soften them. This is not a final solution, but certainly a first step.

As my colleague Vanessa likes to say, Saccharine, “add a little honey to neutralize the vinegar,”

Joe.

Learn more about Joe Weston and his work here. Check out Joe’s bestselling book Fierce Civility: Transforming our Global Culture from Polarization to Lasting Peace, published March 2023.

Have a question for Joe? Send an email to AskJoe@fulcrum.us.

To engage in further bridge-building, participate in a global mediation focused on world peace. More information here.

Read More

A Witch Hunt Won’t Feed America
red meat in white plastic bag

A Witch Hunt Won’t Feed America

Missouri’s food economy runs on undocumented labor. Turning a blind eye won’t work anymore.

In meatpacking plants across Missouri, hundreds of workers clock in before dawn, keeping one of the state’s most essential industries up and running. Many of them are Latino immigrants, some undocumented, who have become the invisible backbone of Missouri’s $93.7 billion agriculture economy. They’re the ones who process the pork and clean the poultry that end up on our dinner tables.

Keep ReadingShow less
Two speech bubbles overlapping.

Recent data shows that Americans view members of the opposing political party overly negatively, leading people to avoid political discourse with those who hold different views.

Getty Images, Richard Drury

How To Motivate Americans’ Conversations Across Politics

Introduction

A large body of research shows that Americans hold overly negative distortions of those across the political spectrum. These misperceptions—often referred to as "Perception Gaps"—make civil discourse harder, since few Americans are eager to engage with people they believe are ideologically extreme, interpersonally hostile, or even threatening or inferior. When potential disagreement feels deeply uncomfortable or dangerous, conversations are unlikely to begin.

Correcting these distortions can help reduce barriers to productive dialogue, making Americans more open to political conversations.

Keep ReadingShow less
A medical professional wearing gloves, putting a band-aid on a patient's shoulder.

RFK Jr. has publicly challenged the safety of vaccines, although the evidence he cites is widely disputed by mainstream scientists, medical institutions, and public health experts.

Getty Images, Jackyenjoyphotography

Just the Facts: Vaccine Safety, RFK Jr.’s Claims, and Florida’s Mandate Rollback

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is currently the United States Secretary of Health and Human Services and is responsible for shaping national health policy, managing public health programs, and guiding medical research and regulatory frameworks.

He has publicly challenged the safety of vaccines, including required childhood immunizations and COVID-19 vaccines. However, the evidence he cites is widely disputed by mainstream scientists, medical institutions, and public health experts.

Keep ReadingShow less
League of Women Voters of Arkansas President Bonnie Miller on a hike, standing in front of a landscape view.

Katie Fahey speaks with League of Women Voters of Arkansas President Bonnie Miller on democracy reform across the state and her work in civically educating and engaging residents.

The Fahey Q&A With Bonnie Miller of the League of Women Voters, Arkansas

Since organizing the Voters Not Politicians 2018 ballot initiative that put citizens in charge of drawing Michigan's legislative maps, Fahey has been the founding executive director of The People, which is forming statewide networks to promote government accountability. She regularly interviews colleagues in the world of democracy reform for our Opinion section.

Bonnie Miller is known for her activism in democracy reform in Arkansas and is the current president of the League of Women Voters of Arkansas and chair of Save AR Democracy, a campaign to protect ballot initiatives in Arkansas. In 2020, Miller led the Arkansas Voters First campaign, which garnered significant support but was eventually struck down by the Arkansas Supreme Court. She continues to lead the fight for a better democracy in her state while also working in higher education at the University of Arkansas School of Law.

Keep ReadingShow less