Your Take: Lying & honor

Earlier this week, we sent out our question to the community:

W hat is your take on how we restore honor when lying has become fashionable?

Bonus question: What would happen if we actually stopped lying to each other and to ourselves?

The context around the question centered around sports, where many people thought “working the refs” was within the bounds of competition. And a couple of folks made sure I knew that my usage of “bold-faced lie” should have been “bald-faced lie.” Thanks for the grammar lesson; I honestly debated with myself about this and chose poorly. 😣

We received many links and op-eds that stand on their own regarding this topic. We will share those responses in the coming days in The Fulcrum. In the meantime, here is a sampling of your thoughts. Responses were edited for length and clarity.

For every honest person, there is a power hungry person who will do anything that will gain them an advantage. ~Jack Closson

I'd revise that to: "lying to win has become fashionable – or even worse, an accepted norm." After all, fashion is fickle but norms can remain in place for a while. The truth will set us free. It will lighten our mental / emotional loads and free us to live less stressful, ego-driven lives. I'm not hopeful for sweeping societal change, but step-by-step, person by person, it can add up to make a difference. ~Cate North

I'm too old, tired and lazy to lie so I don't bother. If people can't handle the truth, that's their problem, not mine. Of course some truths are best left unsaid simply because they are not news. An example is "You would be healthier if you ate less." You might think that would create problems in a marriage but the opposite is true. Refraining from saying truths that are best unsaid and instead communicating openly and honestly about my failings, my shortcomings and my mistakes, while also acknowledging that I am bragging when I have something to brag about, has made our marriage far less contentious. We are better friends and kinder to each other than ever before. ~Joe Bachofen

Some level of lying, embellishing, and misdirecting is going to go on; we are not saints. But the larger the reward, the larger the temptation. ~Kathleen Finderson

People who lie regularly are not in touch with reality. Reality has a way of slapping these people in the face with a ten-pound dead fish, every once in a while. We need to be ready to point out that the punishment came from ignoring REALITY. The problem with autocracy is that lying autocrats cause many bystanders to be killed or wounded when the autocrat gets called out by REALITY. ~Bob Ladner

Hypocrisy destroys. I can not change the world but if I change the world changes. Peace and prosperity through responsibility. ~Michael Marthaller

I actually think your bonus question is the answer. In other words, to restore honor, we must look at our own actions first. Then, when we can honestly say we are being honest with ourselves and others, we will have the moral grounding to stand on when requiring the same from our political leaders. ~Matt Sloane

I think for most of us, our lying takes the form of white lies or half truths, often for the purpose of not hurting someone else, worried, we won’t get what we want if we tell the full truth, or because we’re embarrassed about some thing we’ve done and don’t want to tell the whole truth. On the public side of things, in sports, politics, business, and anywhere else, it seems the only things that we observers can do is 1: call it out on social media, and convey that it diminishes the esteem/respect we have for that person and 2: set up some campaign system to highlight when this happens, and convey that it doesn’t need to happen for people to be successful. There are the Pinocchio awards already, and something along those lines along with boycotting any branding that enriches the liar, should be promoted to both build and use public pressure to make people realize that they should stop. ~Victoria Hattersley

There are many great sportsmen and women out there and plenty of honorable public servants; as well as police officers, reporters and teachers. We (and the media) need to focus less on highlighting and recognizing those who are failures or corrupt and highlight those who do great things. ~Kris Hart

Not to take away from what you're saying, but if you look at the video, the Eagles player did grab a handful of the Chiefs player's jersey for a second. Just saying. (Packer and Liverpool fan) ~David Westby

Hopefully people will want to have personal integrity over popular falsity. Your word is the only thing of value you actually own. If it doesn't mean anything then you have nothing. I would rather have few friends and be truthful than a billion followers that believe in lies. ~Robert Barry

Competition is aggressively supported, from flag football to Supreme Court Justices, we are taught over and over that winning is what matters. Fool the referees if you can, but by all means available, winning is imperative. OK, OK, I could go with that when it was all survival but, now praise be Sapiens, we won the species survival that was so necessary. Time to improve and raise the bar based upon higher principles. Our definition – yes: But we are the smartest species known. ~John ‘Ric’ Curtis

The bigger issue, bigger than the lie, is that so many voters actually LIKE the lies, and keep sending them back. And that bothers us a lot. And we feel like our brains are full of Seven-Up. ~Mary Jo Stevens

Today's kids see little or no consequences for those who lie. ~Celeste Markle

Stop making lying profitable. Stop feeding the un-constructive behavior and build on the constructive behavior. I see more "news" about bad behavior than I do about constructive behavior. It's easier one on one to redirect lying or starve it and build up constructive behavior. I'm afraid it will take a huge cultural shift for us to exist in a culture that has made that leap. If January 6th didn't do it, what will? ~Daniel Logan (Ed. note, challenge accepted to see and report on constructive behavior.)

People who lie do it because it gives them an edge over those who do not , or so they believe. “Every lie kills a little bit more of the world” I heard that somewhere and I think it’s true. ~Fred Sims

It seems that the biggest lie we tell ourselves is, "the other side is really responsible for dishonesty, not my side." Until that lie is publicly confronted and demolished, nothing will improve in terms of truth and honesty in American politics. ~Alasdair Denvil

From a social-psychological level, we would need to bring unacceptable behaviors to the attention of a lot of people, talk about it from all different perspectives, have other leaders champion and model the new behaviors of truth telling and the honor involved in not lying. There needs to be strong collective shared meaning around norms that we all want to install or reinstall. It takes conversation and modeling. We need to stop looking the other way when our leaders, coaches, or really anyone in a position of authority lies. We need to dialogue about how lying creates pain and social disturbance. - how it leads to social fragmentation and feelings of victimization. If left unexplored, the lying behaviors just spread. ~Linda Ellinor

We need to start celebrating the people who are actually heroes. We have to make honesty a point of pride. And we have to start caring about what happens to each other. This “every man for himself, grab everything you can while you can” attitude must stop or things will never change. ~Jeffery S Ward Sr

If we stopped lying to others as well as to ourselves then we would see the world as it is and not how we would like it to be. This would then mean we have to deal with what is even when what is is not what we want. The follow up question that is not asked is "Can we not lie to ourselves as well as to others?" It is possible, however, to ask all those who have left 12-step programs as to how easy it is to be honest with oneself. Usually that happens only when one wants to be whole and free from the burdens of their lies. Ask all those who don't want to be critical thinkers and say perhaps you are right and I am wrong. Can our egos handle such things? ~Matt Eckert

Lying is rooted in deep shame or fear. It is often accompanied by a desperate need to sustain, regain or feel self esteem. I have worked with clients who came to therapy to comprehend why they lied to their spouses and then became terribly sad. Often they had no memory of lying, having disassociated while doing it or being unconscious in the act. We live in a society that shames us for imperfection, expecting success and "the happy face." So, when we act out of deceit or wishing to cover over our messes - our fears and shame can be hidden, even to us. ~Katy Byrne, LMFT