Hi Joe,
I know this issue is too big to address in one article, but I’m feeling so hopeless, perhaps you have some perspective on this. My family and I are struggling with a cousin of mine who has bought into all of the extreme propaganda on social media. We can’t reach him anymore and we are worried he may get as bad as people who forced their way into the Capitol. It’s gone beyond just him inconveniencing our holiday gatherings with his theories on vaccines and stuff.
The only one he seems to kind of be reasonable with is me. But I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions?
Heartbroken.
Hi Heartbroken,
I’m deeply sorry that you are dealing with this. I’m talking with people around the world who are confronted with this – from mild to extreme – and I discuss this in length in my upcoming book, Fierce Civility. Here are a few points that might help you approach your cousin in a different way:
In my book, I lay out how the ongoing breakdown of independent critical thinking has resulted in so much volatility, polarization and lack of civil discourse. Losing the capacity to distinguish between what is a fact and a belief, and not having the courage to consider that what you perceive to be true may not be the whole story, is a large part of this. And make no mistake, we all do this on some level.
But the other significant factor to the causes of this phenomenon is an extreme degree of nervous system dysregulation. We are all struggling with a world filled with so much change, uncertainty and lack of trust in institutions, causing deep anxiety and fear. If this is the case, then caught in our fight-flight-freeze responses, anything that seems different or threatens our sense of security will be perceived as a threat. And the more we benefit from the current structures of power that are shifting, the higher the level of panic and dysregulation we will experience. All of this shuts down our hearts to empathy, compassion, wisdom and curiosity.
The combination of the lack of capacity to courageously question our beliefs, plus extreme chronic nervous system dysregulation, makes it almost impossible for someone to access their higher reasoning part of their brain. Stuck in the survival part of the brain, they will perceive any challenges to the status quo as possible life-or-death challenges. As a survival mechanism, they look for the first thing that eases their high levels of anxiety, even if what they latch onto isn’t factually true. And not only that, because these people find it hard to use their independent critical thinking, they are easily influenced by those who trigger their fear response and end up doing the thinking for them. Therefore, because they are no longer able to think critically and self-reflect, trying to change their mind, or argue issues and points, will not only not work, but exacerbate the tension and separation.
However, making an appeal to the heart, especially with those who are deeply entrenched in their beliefs, has the potential for more lasting impact than just using reason and facts. For instance, I have read accounts of people who have rescued family members from cults. Even though their loved ones were no longer living with, or associated with, the cult communities and were back with their families, they were still under the spell of the cult leaders. They explained that any attempts to use facts to help free these loved ones from what they still believed to be true failed, and, in fact, created more distance. They found that what did the trick was to always appeal to their hearts, reinforce that they are loved, and remind them of happy, fun stories of the past.
While the family members didn’t believe the same things, they still honored that what their loved ones believed in that moment was true for them. Always present and engaged in a compassionate way, they didn’t tell their loved ones they were wrong, but simply listened. Over time, the psychological power of the cult leaders had less power over them. Eventually, they were able to let go of that worldview and remember who they truly were.
This won’t instantly solve the problem, Heartbroken, but it may give you some insights as to what is happening with your cousin and support you to find a way to call him back to his heart. As I’ve said in many past articles, it is not our place to change people, but we can create the conditions of safety and trust which may eventually influence and transform their viewpoints so that they can find their way to back to themselves on their own time.
This is the true courageous work of compassion,
Joe
Learn more about Joe Weston and his work here. Make sure to c heck out Joe’s bestselling book Fierce Civility: Transforming our Global Culture from Polarization to Lasting Peace, published March 2023.
Have a question for Joe? Send an email to AskJoe@fulcrum.us
U.S. President Donald Trump speaks during a“ Steel Across America” event ahead of the 25th anniversary of the Sept. 11th attacks on the Ellipse near the White House on Sept. 8, 2026 in Washington, D.C. President Trump welcomed 9/ 11 first responders to the Tunnel to Towers Foundation’ s“ Steel Across America” event featuring a 16,900- pound, 21- foot steel beam recovered.
For Trump, even 9/11 is an opportunity
There was a reason organizers of the 9/11 ceremony in Manhattan told President Trump he could not speak at this year’s memorial service.
A good one, it turns out.
Because in a speech he gave on Tuesday in Washington, he did exactly what they were presumably worried about — he made it about himself.
According to The New York Times, Trump had wanted a speaking role at the service, but the National Sept. 11 Memorial and Museum, which oversees the site, said no, as they’ve maintained for the past decade-plus that the venue and event should be nonpartisan.
Trump has long used awful tragedies to either puff himself up, trash political opponents, or sell lies to the American people.
He blamed a deadly plane crash at Washington National Airport last year on diversity, equity and inclusion policies. He blamed Puerto Ricans for the devastation they endured after Hurricane Maria in 2017. He reportedly considered withholding disaster relief after the California wildfires based on the way affected regions voted. In an interview on Fox News meant to commemorate the 75th anniversary of D-Day in Normandy, he used the occasion to slam former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi…with graves of the dead behind him.
And now, as we approach the 25th anniversary of what many New Yorkers consider the darkest day in modern history, Trump has done it again.
He told a rambling, nonsensical story — one he’s told before — about going to Ground Zero just after terrorists flew two commercial jets into the twin towers. In the story, which no one has been able to verify, despite multiple attempts, he says firefighters had to carry him out of One Liberty Plaza, also known as the U.S. Steel Building, because they thought it was about to collapse.
As CNN fact checker Daniel Dale notes, there’s no evidence Trump went into this building, especially at a time when NYPD and NYFD had locked down the area. There’s no evidence that building was collapsing — in fact, it was deemed structurally sound and reopened within two months of the attacks. There’s no evidence he was carried out of it by firefighters.
But the lie isn’t even the worst part. Pretend it was all true — why would the leader of our country, and a New Yorker, decide to make that tragic day about himself?
Because that’s who Donald Trump is. He’s a malignant narcissist.
He’s also, incidentally, a terrible and ineffectual president, who’s made ill-fated decisions that he has to keep defending, and there’s nothing he won’t do to make himself look and feel better.
Within the first two minutes of his speech, he was cravenly using 9/11 to justify and promote his dumb war in Iran — two events separated by 25 years and 6,000 miles.
“And I will tell you, we’re right now fighting because we have a certain nation that wanted a nuclear weapon, they were very close to getting it, and now they have no chance at getting it. They will never have a nuclear weapon. Iran will not have a nuclear weapon. And they’ve been punished greatly. As you know, we’ve really taken it to them.”
As a New Yorker who lived through 9/11, still one of the worst days of my life, I’m utterly sickened by Trump’s crass, political, and self-promotional framing of that awful day.
And I’m relieved he won’t be given a platform to do it again on Friday’s anniversary in lower Manhattan.
Because for Trump, everything is his for the taking, and absolutely nothing is sacred.
S.E. Cupp is the host of "S.E. Cupp Unfiltered" on CNN.