Skip to content
Search

Latest Stories

Top Stories

Ask Joe: Powerlessness

Ask Joe: Powerlessness

Hi Joe,

I’m a little nervous sharing this with you, but I need some guidance on how to handle this. I have a friend who I’m sure is suffering from alcohol addiction. I can’t be sure because he seems to be able to hide it, but something seems off. I talk to our mutual friends about it, but they make jokes or change the subject when I bring it up. I know they feel the same way, but they don’t want to deal with it. I don’t know if it’s my place to say something? I don’t know how he’ll react. Any ideas?


Feeling powerless


Hey there, Feeling,

Wow, that’s a lot to hold on your own. And I am grateful that you reached out. I feel I must clarify that I don’t have a background in psychiatry or the psychology of alcohol addiction. You can look online for websites or services that could provide some more technical insights. What I can offer are some perspectives on what your role might be as a friend. I feel this is such an important topic at the moment, because so many of us, particularly young people, are struggling with high levels of anxiety, depression, loneliness, and thoughts of suicide. Without guidance, we are seeking maladaptive ways to manage this level of stress – from drug and alcohol abuse, eating disorders, excessive use of social media and gaming, to name just a few. While there may be many reasons for this, I believe one core aspect comes from a lack of feeling connection, belonging or being seen. How ironic that in a hyper-media culture, where we are more connected than ever before, linked to many online groups or platforms, with our personal lives transmitted through photos and memes throughout the world, that we are feeling more disconnected and disempowered than ever. It sounds like you and your friends are suffering from an unfortunate condition that I believe causes a lot of the pain and struggles in our relationships and ways we interact – “chronic niceness.” How do I know this? Your confusion and feeling powerless to do something and your friends’ avoidance of the issue.

Sign up for The Fulcrum newsletter

I’d like to share a situation that happened to me years ago that helped me clarify the importance of developing my Respectful Confrontation work: When I was living in Holland, I had a circle of friends. We were very close. Suddenly one friend was not very present; when he was with us, he was not really himself. He kept asking us to lend him money. It became clear to the rest of us that he was using the money for his drug habit. Because we all suffered from “chronic niceness,” we kept giving him money (he was very persuasive). We knew something had to be done, but we were afraid of it getting messy. In other words, instead of facing the uncomfortable situation of speaking the unspoken, we were stuck in the suffering. We noticed that we were losing him, also that we were all carrying a big amount of resentment, pain, fear and anger. But I felt like something needed to be done. Because I was usually the truth-teller in all of my circles, I decided to “confront” him. I did it with empathy, love, but also with firmness and setting of clear boundaries. After a long dialogue, I expressed my concerns and pain, and told him that I wasn’t going to give him money anymore. This caused him to lash out and get aggressive. He refused to see me again and turned a few of our friends against me. This, of course, broke my heart. I doubted myself, and at times wished I didn’t confront him. But I also was able to stand strong in my conviction that my intention was to empower all of us; not harm. I didn’t judge him; I simply expressed my fear and concerns for his well being and my desire to bring us all closer together. That reminder to myself was all I had to stay strong in my decision.

Then I ran into this friend about five years later at a party. This was the first time we saw each other since that time and he looked good. After a lot of small talk, he eventually shared with me that it was my conversation with him that helped him see how lost he was in the drugs and eventually prompted him to seek out help. He expressed his gratitude. Almost every respectful confrontation feels awkward and uncomfortable to do and is a huge risk on so many levels. But because it has the potential to lead to deepening of relationship and trust, and the empowerment of all involved, that choice to have the conversation and doing it with skill, courage and compassion is essential. I overcame my chronic niceness and stepped into fierce compassion.

So, Feeling, what can you do to help your friend feel connected, not alone, supported and fully seen in a non-judgmental way? Check out my book, Mastering Respectful Confrontation, for an in-depth examination and approach for gaining more skill and courage in having difficult conversations. Maybe first start with “confronting” your other friends and see if you can help them overcome their fear and resistance to create a team of support for your friend. And whatever you choose to do, trust the power of your love for this person,

Joe

Learn more about Joe Weston and his work here. Check out Joe’s bestselling book Fierce Civility: Transforming our Global Culture from Polarization to Lasting Peace, published March 2023.

Read More

Megan Thee Stallion in front of an audience waving "Kamala" signs

Singer Megan Thee Stallion performs at a Kamala Harris rally in Atlanta on July 30.

Julia Beverly/Getty Images

Do Charli XCX’s and Kid Rock’s endorsements make a difference? 19% of young people admit they might.

Longoria is an associate professor of political science at the University of Texas Rio Grande Valley.

British pop star Charli XCX sent many young people’s group text chats and social media feeds wild when she endorsed Kamala Harris by playing off a term she coined in a song, and posted on X, that “kamala IS brat.”

While this endorsement, which happened in July 2024, likely means very little to most adults who don’t follow the singer’s music, it is considered high praise among young people. Harris’ campaign astutely embraced Charli XCX’s support – temporarily changing the background of its X profile to the same shade of lime green that Charlie XCX favors.

Keep ReadingShow less
Ariana Grande

Ariana Grande

Sarah Morris/WireImage/Getty Images

Ariana Grande for Harris. Kanye West for Trump. Does it matter?

Nevins is co-publisher of The Fulcrum and co-founder and board chairman of the Bridge Alliance Education Fund.

It didn’t take long after Joe Biden dropped out of the presidential race and Kamala Harris became the odds-on favorite to be the Democratic Party's nominee for the celebrity endorsements to follow. Within a few days, Ariana Grande, Cardi B and John Legend all publicly announced their support for Harris.

Of course, not all celebrities are Democrats and Donald Trump has his share of celebrity support as well — people like Ye (Kanye West), Jason Aldean and Kid Rock, who endorsed Trump in the past and are likely to endorse him once again.

Keep ReadingShow less
Jay-Z on stage

Hip-hop legend Jay-Z performs at a 2012 rally for President Barack Obama, who changed how politicans connect with pop culture icons.

Brooks Kraft LLC/Corbis via Getty Images

From Rock the Vote to TikTok: Pop culture’s political influence

Johnson is a United Methodist pastor, the author of "Holding Up Your Corner: Talking About Race in Your Community" and program director for the Bridge Alliance, which houses The Fulcrum.

In 1992, a young Bill Clinton tried to connect with Generation X by joking around and soulfully playing the sax on “The Arsenio Hall Show.” It was a game-changer that forever shifted how presidential candidates court younger voters.

Nowadays, it's not about late-night talk shows but about getting attention on social media platforms like TikTok. The relationship between pop culture and politics has evolved with each generation, keeping pace with the changing times and new technologies. It's crucial to understand this evolution and what it means for how future generations will engage with politics.

Keep ReadingShow less
Simone Biles
Tom Weller/VOIGT/GettyImages

Simone Biles wins gold in life’s balancing act

Lockard is an Iowa resident who regularly contributes to regional newspapers and periodicals. She is working on the second of a four-book fictional series based on Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice."

The closing ceremonies of the 2024 Summer Olympics in Paris will take place this Sunday, Aug. 11. Officially called the Games of the XXXIII Olympiad, they have provided a thrilling spectacle, a glimpse of the world together and on its best behavior.

Team USA’s Simone Biles will leave the City of Lights with an additional four Olympic medals, three gold (the team event, all around and vault) plus a silver in floor exercise, bringing her Olympic treasure trove to 11. Added to her 30 world championship medals, Biles is the most decorated gymnast ever. With five awe-inspiring skills named for her, she dominates the sport — truly the Greatest of All Time.

Keep ReadingShow less
Man in red and blue outfit walking in front of the Capitol.

Tony Zorc is bringing is "Congressman Curly" show to Washington, D.C.

Tony Zorc

Congressman Curly brings rockin' comedy to democracy

The Fulcrum has published many writings over the years about how pop culture in America has amazing healing and connecting powers. Our nation’s history is rich with examples of how artists, entertainers, athletes and creators of every kind invite us into a space of transcendence that leads to connectivity. We see that when we join people together their energy can be harnessed for good, and then amplified and scaled.

Certainly comedy fits in perfectly. Laughter is the embodiment of depolarization. Just consider that in order for something to evoke laughter, it has to have the capacity to both hold tension and release tension at the same time.

Keep ReadingShow less