Lost Boys - What Is the Role of a Man in Today's Society?

A recent New York Times article stated that young males who provided an important swing vote for Trump in 2024 are discouraged by what Trump has done and not done while in office. But they are nevertheless not particularly inclined to vote Democratic because they don't see the Party as welcoming their view of masculinity and they don't know where they fit in this society.

These young men assume that because the Party supports equality for women in the workplace and because many young women no longer have marriage and having children at the top of their agenda, the Party would not be a welcoming home for them. They see themselves as striving for the masculinity of their fathers' or grandfathers' day, where the man was the breadwinner in the family and had respect and authority. Not the weaker half in relationships with women.

That young men feel discomfort towards the Democratic Party and most likely towards women who want to be more than a traditional homemaker says more about the failings of our society and our schools than it does about these young men.

While the role of men has definitely changed and will never return to what it was even 50 years ago, there is no reason why men cannot have positive self-esteem about their new role and be empowered by it. But the messages they receive about masculinity from their families, the media (e.g., action movies), and elsewhere (e.g., Trump's attitude towards women) reflect an out-of-date perspective. And so they are stuck.

First, young men should know that in the majority of marriages (55%) today, although the female may be working—as she has increasingly been doing for the past 60 years—the male is still the primary breadwinner. In those marriages, much has not changed—as breadwinner and father of the children, he typically has authority ... but not absolute. Even in these marriages, the wife is likely not subservient to her husband. That is the past.

In the 29% of marriages where both spouses earn similar salaries or the 16% where the female is the primary breadwinner, there are obviously adjustments—both mental and practical—that men need to make. The issue is one of self-esteem.

What is self-esteem? Part of self-esteem is dependent on a person's expectations of himself—which typically come from the society around him, whether his family as he was growing up or the broader society. If a boy's expectation based on his upbringing is that to be a male is to be a traditional husband, breadwinner, and father who rules the roost, then he will have problems in female relationships and many of today's marriages. On the other hand, if he expects that he will be part of a team, then his self-esteem in a modern marriage can be high.

The other element of self-esteem is a function of the respect or lack thereof that someone is shown. Respect is a two-way street. If a man wants to receive respect in today's world, he must show respect to his wife/partner. The domineering husband/father is a cliché of the past that didn't work well then and certainly wouldn't work well today.

But I don't get the feeling that these young men are looking to be that type of man—domineering. What they do want is respect. And they don't feel they are getting it in today's world, where women are definitely competitors in the job market and where women are much more self-assured than they were in the old days when getting married was a woman's only ticket out of spinsterhood.

The question then is, how do we train boys and girls for this new environment? Since children get their expectations from their family, peers, and the media—and these sources often promote past ideas of masculinity—it will be up to schools to devise programs to train children for their current roles. Schools must return to their in loco parentis role.

Boys will have to be trained to view masculinity as not being defined by unquestioned control and authority but as acting as a team, whether it's with a wife or co-worker. And boys will have to be trained to show respect to women as well as male colleagues.

Girls will likewise need to be trained. Instead of feeling chafed and limited by marriage and family and having an attitude about their independence, girls should also be trained to be partners in their relationships as well as with colleagues. And they likewise need to be trained to show appropriate respect. For girls as well as boys, feeling strong does not mean lording it over others or being dismissive.

Both would receive mostly the same type of training; they just have different starting points. Both should learn how their acting as a team is empowering and that by showing respect, you will receive respect, which everyone seeks.

The retraining will be far more difficult for young adults, as their expectations have already been formed and they are not part of a group that could facilitate retraining. Somehow, however, these lost boys need to be trained to change their expectations and be empowered by that change. And young adult women need to be trained to play their role in this new environment while showing appropriate respect to males and not seeing marriage and children as a threat to their independence. This role modeling will probably have to take place in the media.

Both males and females should also know the following. It has generally been assumed for decades that the children of working mothers are negatively impacted in their learning, emotional development, and how they do in school and in life. However, research has shown that not to be the case. It is the quality of time rather than the quantity that makes the difference.

This information is critical for couples deciding whether to have a child or children—that it is the quality of parent-child contact that makes the difference, not the quantity. So the fact that the wife wants a career is not a detriment to her having children if her time with them is high quality. Children need to be trained on the importance of quality time as well, as their family experience is often not a good role model.

And what role does the Democratic Party play in this matter? The Party really can't do much to address this issue, other than arranging for government education grants that encourage the development of such programs in the schools.

But what they can do directly is talk about this issue. Show these young men that they understand how they feel, but that that feeling is based on a conflict between the past and the present—and future. That if they adjust their definition of masculinity, then they will prosper in this new world and have the marriages and children that they desire. For example, if they stop acting like an arch male, modern women will be more attracted to them and see them as the father of their children. Young women must be spoken to as well.

Bottom line, it is no small wonder that young adult men feel adrift and confused. They were psychologically raised to fit into a world that doesn't exist anymore, and current popular role models often support an exaggerated and anachronistic view of masculinity. It is for society and the Party to help these young men adapt to the modern order and so prosper.

Ronald L. Hirsch is a teacher, legal aid lawyer, survey researcher, nonprofit executive, consultant, composer, author, and volunteer. He is a graduate of Brown University and the University of Chicago Law School and the author of We Still Hold These Truths. Read more of his writing at www.PreservingAmericanValues.com