There is a particular grief in hearing someone you love speak with contempt, different from anger or disagreement because it turns people into categories and places them beneath regard.
I felt it recently when a friend blamed immigrants for the country’s supposed decline. The bluntness shocked me, but the familiarity disturbed me more.
Over the last eighteen months, versions of that same contempt surfaced among people close to me. I heard it in warnings that our country would not survive a Kamala Harris presidency, in calls to treat Democratic cities as war zones, in claims that trans people threaten our children with their mentally ill perversions. People I love said these things out loud, casually, as if trying them on for normal conversation.
Across the country, people live with the same private shock, watching loved ones change in ways they recognize but cannot quite explain. The language grows coarser, the worldview smaller, the scapegoating more open. Ideas they once rejected now come easily.
Perhaps the ugliness has been there all along, waiting for permission to come out of hiding.
Human beings are not as fixed as we imagine. We are social creatures before we are rational ones, taking cues from the people around us, especially those we admire, fear, or recognize as members of our tribe. We learn what can be said aloud, what gets rewarded, and where the boundaries lie by watching what happens to those who cross them.
Donald Trump’s rise to power forced a brutal lesson into view. In America, hateful rhetoric and disgraceful conduct could survive public exposure and become a source of power. He drew on the human instinct to divide people into real and suspect, then staged that division before the country again and again. People heard the words, and just as important, they heard the applause.
That was the permission slip.
Its power lies in the release it offers, turning suspicion into common sense, lending contempt the language of courage, and letting prejudice, once held down by shame, return dressed as honesty. Cruelty begins to feel like bravery.
None of this excuses the rhetoric or lessens its harm. Behind every target of contempt are neighbors and colleagues, children in our classrooms, families trying to live their lives. They do not owe patience to anyone performing cruelty as courage.
Still, for those of us watching someone we love drift toward it, the harder question remains: how do we get them back?
The honest answer is that no clean solution exists. Cutting people off can feel clarifying, and sometimes it is necessary. But when every dissenting voice leaves, the echo chamber becomes the whole room, and contempt hardens into identity. People with enough trust and history to remain may have more influence than they realize. Among those we must try to reach, two patterns appear most often: the fearful and the compliant.
The fearful person believes everything familiar is under threat: his country, his culture, his place in both. He absorbs sensationalized news until fear starts to feel like vigilance. His anxiety attaches itself to broad groups because vague enemies are easier to fear than real people are to understand.
To reach him, move the conversation back into the real world, away from the television and preferably outside. Draw him toward the people he actually knows among the groups he fears. Let abstraction give way to memory, proximity, and ordinary human detail, until the fog of fear lifts enough for him to see people again.
The compliant person defers. She likely spent her life inside structures that reward loyalty and discourage dissent, as many families, religions, and workplaces do. When the authority figures in her world spoke ugly ideas in unison, she followed out of habit, not conviction. Still, somewhere beneath that habit, a whisper in her conscience knows better. It has always been there, simply outranked.
Help her trust her own judgment by giving doubt a place to surface before it retreats back into silence. In that space, ask what she thinks before offering what you believe, and let her hear herself disagree without watching the relationship break. Every time she questions the chorus and the relationship survives, the whisper grows stronger, until her own voice no longer feels so dangerous to use.
It is easy to write off the people described here as no longer worth the effort. The ugliness is real, but these are not strangers. Lost people are not lost causes. Offer them a different permission, one that allows them to question, to soften, and to return without being destroyed by the shame of having wandered.
Go get them back.
Argyle Nelson is a retail executive and Army veteran. A graduate of West Point, he served two combat tours in Iraq as an infantry officer and received the Bronze Star. He writes about civic responsibility, political culture, and the obligations of citizenship.
